Q: When's the next game?
A: Soon! Check back here for 2007-2008 (A.D.) season announcements.
Q: How many members do you have?
A: As of October 1, 2007, the current roster boasts 45 kickballers. While this may not seem like a lot, if you were to stack them all from head-to-toe, the people at the bottom might be very upset.
Q: I'm not very athletic. Will you laugh at me if I show up and can't even kick the ball right?
A: No. our acronym is U SCK for a reason- because you suck, I suck, we all suck for... uh... kickball. We don't even keep score. However, we will laugh at you if you don't show up, regardless of your ball-kicking skills. We've amassed a list of nearly six billion potential kickballers from around the world who have never come to play kickball with us. Every week before the game, we laugh at each one individually and then draw stick figures of them with frowny faces. Occasionally we add falling objects like buckets of lava directly above the stick figures, with vertical lines coming out of the top.
Q: Are those vertical lines hair? Why does my bucket of lava have hair?
A: No! The vertical lines indicate that the bucket of lava is falling rapidly in the downward direction. If you knew anything about art, you'd recognize the Swooshy Motion Line technique instantly.*
Q: I'm allergic to buckets of lava. Can you draw something else falling on my head?
A: Non-showing-uppers can't be falling object choosers. If you don't want to be drawn, come play with us!
Q: I hate kickball. Does this make me a bad person?
A: Yes.
Q: Do you know the way to San Jose?
A: Maybe. We'll tell you if you play kickball with us.
Q: OMG LOL BRB HTML OBGYN! R U GUYS 4 REAL??? ALSO BOY I M SO GLAD WE DON'T LIVE IN THE 17TH CENTURY BECUZ U COULD BE BURNED AT THE STAKE FOR SHOUTING IN AN INTERNET CHATROOM BECUZ ONLY WITCHES SHOUT AND USE BAD PUNCTUATION AND RUN-ON SENTENCES AND GUESS WHAT WE'D ALSO HAVE TO WEAR FUNNY HATS AND BE EATEN BY WOLVES AND STUFF THE END.
A: That's not even a question. But I do like funny hats.
Q: Wait a minute... did someone actually ask that last question? This doesn't seem much like a FAQ.
A: Your mom doesn't seem much like a FAQ.
Q: Who can I contact to complain about this stupid website?
A: Email kickball@usc.edu, or call the Official Kickball Hotline of Officialness, (323) 363-1179. If, instead of complaining, you'd prefer to join the weekly U SCK listserv (kickserv), let me know via email.
-Aaron
*A closely-related technique is the Talking Cartoon Bubble Technique, first employed by Dutch impressionist Edvard Munch in his painting "The Scream". Without it, we would have no way of knowing the subject is screaming.
Figure 1: "The Scream". X-ray cartography has revealed that early versions of the painting featured the words "OH NO I'M OUT OF PRINGLES-BRAND POTATO CHIPS!!!" inside the Talking Cartoon Bubble, but this was deemed too controversial at the time.